Do you lead or just hold a leadership position?
I know it may sound harsh, but it’s a question every professional in a management position should ask themselves. Because being hierarchically above doesn’t make you a leader – at most, it makes you a boss.
And the difference between the two? It’s brutal.
According to Zaleznik (1977), bosses have unidirectional authority – that which comes from their position – and are focused on order and control. Leaders, on the other hand, have multidirectional influence – far beyond their own position – and focus more on change, development, and inspiration.
In other words, a boss is ahead by their function, by a hierarchical position conferred upon them. A leader is recognized as leadership by their team, precisely because they promote and develop the team. Leadership isn’t imposed – it’s earned.
But how can you perceive this difference along with the daily challenges of being responsible for other professionals?
The scene you’ve already lived
You’re in the middle of a meeting when a team member comes to you with that “I need help” look. They explain the problem and, mentally, you’re already thinking: “How am I going to solve this? If I say I don’t know, they’ll think I’m incompetent.”
So you make something up. Give quick guidance. End the conversation. Problem solved, right?
Wrong.
Because while you were worried about appearing to have all the answers, you missed the chance to really lead. Worse: your team member left without having developed anything at all. And you? You reinforced a pattern that will wear you down more and more, because you’re not developing anyone – you’re just putting out fires.
The myth of the leader who needs to have all the answers
I know that many leaders – most often those with less experience – have an almost paralyzing fear of these “what to do” questions, when apparently everything that could be done has been done.
But let me tell you a truth that few people talk about: what marks your leadership isn’t knowing all the answers, but how you act to solve the problem together with your team. You can bet: a leader who’s inexperienced but dedicated to their team is much more admirable than an indifferent “know-it-all.”
If you’re still in doubt, remember other professionals who led you and think about those you admired most: was it really the fact that they had “all the answers” that you liked most about them?
If you were lucky, at least at some point in your life, you were led by someone who gave you support, made you think, and challenged you to be better than you are. And this is done with some unique aspects: active listening, asking the right questions, and making you comfortable to express your opinions and thoughts.
Does what I’m saying make sense to you?
When I finally understood this
Everything changed when I truly decided to learn from my team. When I stopped treating feedback with my ego in the way and began to see them as genuine opportunities to grow.
When I dedicated myself to talking less and listening carefully, something incredible happened: they felt more comfortable speaking. They saw that I didn’t react negatively to their comments and that I really understood the points raised.
Sometimes, when I had the opportunity, I explained my point of view, but never as if I were defending myself from what they said. I shared my perspective so they could see that my intention was totally different from what they had interpreted.
And even if I might not agree with some point of view, I assured them of their right to speak, because in the end, that’s what matters. As Voltaire said: “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”
This action may seem “basic,” but it removes the abyss and tension caused by hierarchical difference. We can’t forget that it’s not easy for a team to share views or even give feedback to someone in a position above theirs, because we never know how the other will react. And it’s terrible to live with this fear in the workplace.
I lived this in different companies, with different teams. And I can say that this didn’t make me lose authority. On the contrary: it made me gain respect, precisely because I was valuing their opinions and views.
And this respect is justified in a fascinating finding by Zenger & Folkman: after analyzing 3,492 leaders, they discovered that the best listeners are perceived as better leaders in 40% of cases. But attention: passive listening isn’t enough. The most effective leaders are those who ask challenging questions, who help the team member think differently.
When the team realizes that the leader isn’t accumulating defenses, they look at the facts more honestly, take responsibility, and evolve faster.
The answer that already exists
Another point that few people notice: most of the questions that reach leaders already have an answer. And it’s with whoever is asking.
What leads a team member to come to you may often be insecurity about doing what they believe should be done, it may be a need for validation from the leader, or even a simple need for attention and connection (to be seen and heard).
Asking questions about their opinion on the issue itself, understanding their thought process and actions already taken, can create important bonds and connections for your development as a leader and, above all, generate satisfaction in your team members, who will feel heard.
Michael Bungay Stanier, in his studies on coaching for leaders, showed something powerful: when leaders use powerful questions instead of giving ready answers, 58% of team members report solving problems on their own, developing genuine autonomy.
Talking about the topic after listening to their opinion, sharing your perspectives after understanding theirs, this increases connection and reduces your tension as a leader. And you’ll see that, many times, they’ll resolve it themselves just because you asked the right questions for them to look at the situation from another perspective.
You might think: “but doing this takes time and I’m always busy with many things.”
Well, you’d have to agree with me that if a teacher tells a child’s parents: “I couldn’t find time to understand and answer her questions during classes,” this will generate at least one obvious question: isn’t that your main job?
Voilà!
It’s up to you – whose role is to lead – to provide proper support and direction, especially when choosing or defining the best moment for this.
Question kit that unlocks autonomy
Use when you feel the team member needs direction:
“What have you already tried? What worked / didn’t work?” This question shows that you trust their ability to have already thought about the problem.
“What are 2–3 viable options now and the pros/cons of each?” Here you’re developing strategic thinking and critical analysis.
“If you had 10 minutes to decide, what would you do and why?” Removes analysis paralysis and forces conscious decision-making.
“What impact does this have on current objectives and KPIs?” Connects action with measurable results – essential for sales teams.
“What help do you really need from me?” Decision? Remove a blocker? Resource? Authorization? Be specific.
These questions don’t just solve the immediate problem. They teach your team to think like you think – without you needing to be present for every decision.
And there’s more: Google, in the famous internal study called Project Oxygen, identified that “being a good coach” – that is, asking questions instead of giving orders – is the number 1 characteristic of the best managers. Teams with leaders who do coaching have 27% more satisfaction.
That’s not insignificant.
The art of giving feedback
And since we’re talking about listening and creating safe environments, I need to comment on something that is minimally necessary but, incredibly, needs to be said: feedback time is not for personal opinions — much less for labels.
Effective feedback is anchored in three pillars: observable behaviors, clear consequences, and questions before assumptions.
Avoid saying why you think the person did that directly. If you have a personal opinion about their motivations, ask, don’t state.
If you think a team member didn’t do a specific approach that was requested, don’t say it’s because you think they didn’t want to or were afraid. Ask!
Stay completely away from “you didn’t want to” or “it was fear,” as these phrases break trust. Better to formulate hypotheses as questions: “I noticed this action wasn’t executed. Was there something different here? What made you uncomfortable?”
Let’s take ourselves as an example: when someone states something about you that isn’t true, or makes an interpretation that doesn’t correspond with reality at all, how do you feel?
So why do this to your team members? Always ask and understand without judgment. This way you have a much better chance of really contributing to reversing a negative scenario.
Well-given feedback starts earlier, in listening, and materializes in questions that help the person think better about their own behavior and its impacts.
But what about when the team member’s mistake is obvious?
Imagine you’re tense or even angry because you had a disagreement or frustration at work. Normally, in the heat of the moment, we’re always right, aren’t we? Awareness of our flaws usually comes later – because if it comes at the moment and you have humility and courage, you’ll apologize right there. But the common thing is for us to realize it later, right?
Now imagine a team member comes to you, frustrated, angry, or with any other intense emotion about something not going as they wanted, or even having felt sad or offended by a situation.
But you saw – or have sources that told you – that they caused the problem they’re now lamenting.
So I ask you: right after they call you (or you call them to talk), should you start the conversation with accusations? Mind you, I’m not using extreme cases that could lead to dismissal as an example here. I’m talking about normal day-to-day things.
But back to the point: should you really conduct a conversation in an accusatory way?
At this moment you must be thinking “but if the person is wrong, they’re wrong and that’s it!”.
And I agree with you. The person may indeed be wrong.
But psychology considers it gold when the person themselves recognizes the mistake, because the change that needs to occur is in the one who did it, not in the one who opines. Get it? When the person hears themselves explaining, the chance of insight and commitment to change is greater.
So, if it’s much more effective for a person to recognize it themselves, how about letting them do it? And this is only possible if you state less and ask more.
“How did you feel in that situation?”
“Why do you think this conflict happened?”
“Do you think the other person interpreted it the same way you did?”
“If you could go back, can you think of another way to avoid the conflict?”
These questions – with genuine listening and without judgment – have an incredible impact. Because the person will feel welcomed and will still be able to reflect on their own actions, because they felt safe to do so.
Unfortunately, according to Gallup research, only 23% of employees strongly agree that their leader helps them set priorities and think for themselves.
When this happens, engagement rises an impressive 69%.
The difference between giving a sermon and asking questions is literally the difference between having an engaged or demotivated team.
“And where does sales come into this?”
Leadership that listens and asks questions drives consultative selling. In complex sales cycles, winning depends on understanding the customer better than the competitor — and this comes from investigation.
And if you work with sales teams or sales consulting, this ability to ask questions instead of giving ready answers is even more critical.
A leader who masters the art of asking is actually developing salespeople who are more autonomous, more strategic, and more confident. Because they learned to think, not just execute.
In the sales training I conduct, I always emphasize that consultative sales isn’t about pushing solutions – it’s about asking the right questions for the customer to discover for themselves what they need. And the same logic applies to leadership.
The paradox of leading
I need to tell you a truth about leadership that few people talk about: you will receive less recognition for what you do right and more blame for things that aren’t always your responsibility.
Is it unfair? From a purely human, black-and-white perspective, yes. It’s unfair.
But leading also brings unique joys that no title, bonus, or external recognition can replace.
It’s like having children. It wears you out, it’s hard work, it consumes your time, it tests your patience. But then the child gives you a little smile, and your entire day is made.
Leadership is the same. You will spend weeks, months developing someone. You’ll repeat the same guidance, ask the same questions, stay patient when you’d rather just give the ready-made answer.
And suddenly, that person who used to come to you for everything starts solving a complex problem on their own. Or makes a tough decision with confidence. Or leads others using the same approach you taught them.
And in that moment, you know: it was worth every second.
Because leadership isn’t about you. It’s about how many people you can help grow. It’s about creating an environment where everyone can think, make mistakes, learn, and become better versions of themselves.
And that, believe me, is priceless.
Leading isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about asking the right questions and having the humility to listen to the answers, even when they challenge you.
So I ask you again:
Do you lead or just hold a leadership position?
Does your team feel safe to talk to you? To disagree? To admit mistakes?
Do you ask more than you make statements? Do you listen more than you speak?
If the answer is no, then maybe it’s time to rethink your approach. Because real leadership doesn’t come from a title — it comes from genuine connection, active listening, and the courage to not have all the answers.
And at the end of the day, the best leaders aren’t the ones who know everything. They’re the ones who create environments where everyone can grow, make mistakes, learn, and, most importantly, think for themselves.
If you’d like to talk about how to develop these skills in yourself and in your leadership team, click here and let’s schedule a conversation. Sometimes the greatest transformations begin with an honest discussion about where we are and where we want to go.
References
- Zaleznik, A. (1977). “Managers and Leaders: Are They Different?” Harvard Business Review, 55(3), 67-78.
- Harvard Business Review (2016). “The Value of Active Listening in Leadership”
- Zenger, J. & Folkman, J. (2016). “What Great Listeners Actually Do”
- Google re:Work (2008-ongoing). “Project Oxygen: Eight Habits of Highly Effective Google Managers”
- Bungay Stanier, M. (2016). “The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever”
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). “Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being”
- Gallup (2023). “State of the Global Workplace Report”
